“My Family Isn’t Perfect … How Can I Deal With That?”

“My Family Isn’t Perfect … How Can I Deal With That?”
Genesis 37: 1-11


The term dysfunctional is tossed around quite a bit these days in reference to families. That term is used to imply that family that is in crisis ... or that a family that is dealing with considerable hurt ... will begin to disintegrate and fall apart.

From a Christian perspective, this could include any home that is not functioning the way God intended! A dysfunctional home could be the end result of divorce, drug or alcohol addictions, lack of communication, rivalry among the children, self consumed parents, child abuse, sexual abuse, spousal abuse, extramarital affairs, pornography, poor stewardship, debt and the list goes on and on.

One of the strange dynamics in family life is that when children grow up they way too often, repeat the mistakes of their parents. The truth is that what we know about marriage and parenting, whether for good or bad, we learned while we were growing up … watching our parents! The consequences are therefore ... that dysfunctional families often create more dysfunctional families! Tragically ... that can go on for generations.

I believe that this is at least a part of what the Bible is speaking of when it says in Numbers 14:18, that God visits “… the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation” (NKJV). If we are living in a similar family situation, it can be extremely challenging to live for the Lord! HOwever, it's not impossible!

Joseph is proof that it can be done. Joseph was raised in a home filled with angry, jealous and false-hearted people! However ... Joseph became one of the two men whose lives are recorded in the Bible about whom there is not one word of criticism. Joseph was faithful in an imperfect family and we can examine his life to see what wisdom we can gain for our own lives.

Genesis 37:1-11 “Now Jacob dwelt in the land where his father was a stranger, in the land of Canaan. (2) This is the history of Jacob. Joseph, being seventeen years old, was feeding the flock with his brothers. And the lad was with the sons of Bilhah and the sons of Zilpah, his father’s wives; and Joseph brought a bad report of them to his father. (3) Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children, because he was the son of his old age. Also he made him a tunic of many colors. (4) But when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him and could not speak peaceably to him. (5) Now Joseph had a dream, and he told it to his brothers; and they hated him even more. (6) So he said to them, “Please hear this dream which I have dreamed: (7) There we were, binding sheaves in the field. Then behold, my sheaf arose and also stood upright; and indeed your sheaves stood all around and bowed down to my sheaf.” (8) And his brothers said to him, “Shall you indeed reign over us? Or shall you indeed have dominion over us?” So they hated him even more for his dreams and for his words. (9) Then he dreamed still another dream and told it to his brothers, and said, “Look, I have dreamed another dream. And this time, the sun, the moon, and the eleven stars bowed down to me.” (10) So he told it to his father and his brothers; and his father rebuked him and said to him, “What is this dream that you have dreamed? Shall your mother and I and your brothers indeed come to bow down to the earth before you?” (11) And his brothers envied him, but his father kept the matter in mind." (NKJV)


The first thing we notice here is that … Joseph’s Parents Weren't Perfect!

Joseph’s family life was so unbelievable that it probably wouldn’t be accepted as a soap opera for television today! Let’s look at the facts … he had three stepmothers, ten stepbrothers and one stepsister all living in the same house at the same time! Try to imagine the turmoil in this family! Can you imagine waiting in line for the bathroom in the morning?

Jacob was Joseph’s father. He was a polygamist and an inactive parent that openly showed favoritism between his children. Jacob’s wives and his stepdaughter were jealous, covetous, resentful and insecure. Joseph’s home had four unhappy women. Now, I don’t know about you … but that’s enough to strike fear in my heart!

Jacob was a weak and totally ineffective father ... the classic picture of a passive parent. Great tragedy had touched this family. In Genesis 34:1-2 we are told that the son of the mayor of Shechem raped Jacob’s daughter, as they traveled across the country. When Jacob found out what had happened he did nothing. When His sons saw that their father wasn’t going to do anything, they took matters into their own hands. They came up with a plan that humiliated and then slaughtered all the men in the city (34:29).

When Jacob found out what his sons had done, his first concern was about the bad public relations with the rest of the people in the land. And yet, he still did nothing!

Later, his oldest son, Reuben had a sexual affair with Bilhah ... one of his wives! (35:21). When he learned of Dinah’s rape he did nothing, when he learned his sons were guilty of murder he did nothing, when he learned that his own son had committed incest he still did nothing!

It's hard to estimate how Jacob’s inactivity as a parent added to the chaos in this family. However, Jacob is a classic example of a man that was too busy for his family, too preoccupied and indifferent, meaning of course that he was too passive to deal with what was happening in the lives of any of his children.

Not only was Jacob a passive parent, for seventeen years his kids had watched as he played favorites with Joseph. In verse three we read, “Now Israel (meaning Jacob) loved Joseph more than all his children, because he was the son of his old age….”

Joseph, who would be seventeen at this time, was the first-born son. He was the son of his father’s favorite wife, Rachel. Joseph, according to Scripture was born to his father later in life. There can be some legitimate reasons why the baby of the family, especially to one born late in the life of the parents seems to be favored.

I know what I am talking about ... because I am one the oldest in my family. I am the oldest of four brothers with almost ten years between my youngest brother and me. Things were definitely different for me than they were for my younger brothers!

Most parents were more relaxed and easy going with their younger children because of what they've learned from the earlier experiences of parenting. Another reason for the lenient attitude is that the parents themselves are more adjusted in their marriage to one another.

In many cases, the parents are also in a better place economically to give the younger children more advantages. But, with all that said … no matter what the reason for the advantages given to the younger child, they can definitely create jealousy on the part of the older child or children. I don’t remember being jealous of my younger brothers … but I do remember thinking that they were sometimes getting away with murder!

Jacob loved Joseph more than his older brothers and confirmed this favoritism openly and in remarkable ways! Jacob didn’t try to hide his preference for Joseph. The later part of verse three says, “… Also he made him a tunic of many colors.”

This term “tunic of many colors” is variously translated as “many colored or richly ornamented” and in today’s modern language as the “Technicolor Dreamcoat!” The Hebrew word describes it as a robe that flowed from the ankles to the wrists, probably with an embroidered narrow stripe of color around the edge. This would have been a robe that was worn by nobility and the wealthy.

Joseph’s brothers wore garments that were short and sleeveless. In other words … WORK CLOTHES! This clothing was designed so the wearer would be able to climb up hills, wade through the mud and carry sheep on their shoulders. In reality, Joseph’s robe declared that he was exempt from manual labor and adversity. Even the light color of his robe indicated that he didn’t expect to get dirty or have it soiled in any way from hard work. If you want to get the kids riled up, make one of them exempt from chores in the house!

What we have here is a lot more than an average garment with a few added touches of finery. It symbolized Joseph’s favored position by his father. More than that, the robe worn by Joseph designated that he was the rightful heir in the family.

There would have been justification for that! According to Middle Eastern custom if the eldest son lost the birthright then it went to the oldest son of the second wife. Reuben, the eldest son had lost his birthright because he had a sexual affair with his father’s concubine (Gen 49:3-4). So the birthright would have gone to Joseph as the second wife’s oldest son.

I believe that the Coat was also a symbol of Purity. In the story of David’s daughter Tamar we see another robe of many colors. 2 Sam 13:18 tells us that it was a symbol of her purity, that she was a virgin. Tragically, Tamar was raped by her own brother. She felt shamed and immediately removed the robe and tore it into pieces (2 Sam 13:19). In her mind the robe was a symbol of her purity, which she felt had been robbed from her.

Joseph’s brothers were not noted for their purity. In fact, verse two tells us that, “Joseph brought a bad report” about his brothers to his father. On first glance it seems that Joseph was just a tattletale, but from what Joseph would say later on he tried to speak to his brothers about this first. It appears that they were giving in to the pressures of the pagan society around them! Canaanite religion included both idolatry and immorality.

So, because of their behavior, every time the brothers saw the coat they were reminded of the contrast between Joseph’s life and their own. Joseph’s brothers came to hate him for being all the things that they were not! In other words, they were convicted!

The story repeatedly exposes the fact that Joseph’s brothers hated him. First in verse four we are told that the brother saw how Jacob favored Joseph they “hated him and could not speak peaceable to him.”

It's pretty sad when someone hates their own brother so much that they can’t even be civil. Again in the following verse Joseph tells of his dream and again we are told that his brothers hated him. When Joseph has his second dream and relates it to his brothers, we are told, “They hated him even more.” Finally it is revealed in verse eleven that his brothers envy him.

Do they envy him for his coat and position of privilege?

Do they envy him because of the displays of their father’s affection?

Do they envy the fact that even God seemed to have a special place in his heart for Joseph because of his dreams? Truth be told, probably all of these things are a part of their envy and hatred of Joseph.

Today more than ever we are facing the challenge of blended families. The number one reason given for the failure of second marriages is conflict over child rearing issues. It doesn’t matter whether it is a first or second marriage … parents must learn that the personalities of children means that we cannot treat them exactly alike but that you can love them equally and treat them fairly!

I believe that Joseph, who was seventeen at the time, was a normal teenage adolescent. I doubt very much that Joseph understood everything that was happening in his life. Joseph was at the very least naïve and possibly even a little arrogant. He wore his new special coat into the fields to check on his brothers. This would be like putting on a tuxedo to go check on your brother out mowing the lawn! It was hardly appropriate and certainly just a little proud.

Joseph also recounted his dreams of superiority to his brothers (verses 5-8). We don’t have to know rocket science to understand that this could only further fan the flames of his brother’s animosity toward him. We can’t blame ourselves for the faults of others but we have to be realistic when it comes to our own faults and accept responsibility for them.

There is the story of a construction worker that took his lunch out one day and started screaming! “Bologna sandwiches again. I am so sick of bologna sandwiches if I see another one I’ll just die.” A friend of his asked him, “Calm down brother … why don’t you ask your wife to pack something else for you lunch?” To which he replied, “I’m not married, I pack my own lunch.”

That story reveals the truth that some of the bologna in our lives we put there ourselves!

Okay ... so how can we apply this to our lives?

1. We have to learn to look at life in the long term. The decisions we make affect not only ourselves but also all those who care about us! The course of action that we choose today may affect our children, our grandchildren, and even our great grandchildren. Jacob’s mistakes with his children had tragic long-term affects.

2. We must be faithful regardless of our family situation. It’s so easy for us to look at our family background and make excuses. “My parents are divorced; I can’t help being this way, I was abused as a child, my father was an alcoholic, my parents don’t love me” … and the list goes on and on. However …

3. God understands our unique circumstances and He wants to help us rise above the negative influences in our lives.

4. God specializes in changing us and conforming us into His image, no matter what our family background. Regardless of our past … we can know the love of the Heavenly Father if we surrender to Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Today is the day of salvation … but more than that … today is a day of new beginnings & new tender mercies!

Maybe our parents were not perfect.
Maybe our home life was less than ideal.
Perhaps we made mistakes as a teenager.
Maybe we made mistakes as a parent.
Maybe we made mistakes as a spouse!

Our Lord is a Lord that mends … and right now ... it’s time to get rid of the bologna in our life! God wants to forgive us and help us to start over! Right now! Read Lamentations 3:22-23 ...
In His Grip,
pastor samme